Monday 22 January 2018

Missing at Christmas

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine 
Children singing Christian rhyme 
with logs on the fire and gifts on the tree 
it’s time to rejoice in the good that we see.

Hold up....that’s a little misleading. 

How’s about this?

Christmas time, can of ‘Natch’ like slime 
Children whinge and moan all the time.
shite on the telly; fucking hate my Christmas tree 
the needles are stuck in my toes constantly.

That’s a bit more like it. 

January’s landed.
And so has my ass. 



Ahh the sweet Christmas hangover. You’re 6lbs heavier than you were prior to advent, everyone’s angry because they’ve had to trek up or down the M6 to spend time with people they don’t like and you’ve no idea when to stop saying ‘happy new year’ to people. You’re experiencing your annual seethe as you put so much thought into that hand engraved replica of an old Ming Vase for your sister in law Flangela and once again you’ve been thrown a purse from Poundland and yet another set of Lavender hand cream. 
Your cupboards are packed full of food but there’s nothing to eat, your kids bedroom floor is still covered in boxed toys that he’ll never put away, you’ve had to hide the chocolate coin maker because, let’s be honest, it’s a load of shit and no matter how hard you scrub, your fridge still smells of cheese! 
Yes my friends!! Happy new year!!!!!!

I grew up obsessed with Christmas. My mum always made such an effort to make it special for my brother and I. 
I’ve been enjoying a Christmas stocking up to the age of 35 and it’s still as exciting as when I was little. 
I used to wake up about 4 am, count all the stocking fillers and calculate how often I could open one to stretch the time out until 6am when we were allowed to get up. 
I loved the smell of Christmas turkey whafting up the stairs at 5am (that’s not a typo) and running downstairs to plow headfirst into a pile of multicoloured paper. I really enjoyed sectioning off all the sweets and chocolates into their own box and working out which order I’d eat them in. I always felt cheated by a Twix....its not a chocolate bar...it’s a covert biscuit! That would go first.

I remember in April 2012 when I discovered I was pregnant with my first boy Noah that I’d quickly calculated a December due date and all I could think about was Christmas Carole’s. That lasted the whole way through the 2nd and 3rd trimester and I would well up every time I thought of ‘Christmas time mistletoe and wine’, imagining how amazing  it would be having a baby in my arms while eating Christmas dinner. In truth I spent Christmas 2012 in tears because Noah was 5 days old, I hadn’t slept, my nips were the colour of Rudolph’s nose from all the feeding and felt like they were like ‘logs on the fire’ from the searing pain of latching. Dinner arrived and I cautiously lowered myself down onto my seat to pretend to enjoy the pigs in blankets and even though I’d reversed at a snails pace, just as my bum connected with the wood my lady-stitches all burst open and I was left with the worlds biggest Fanhole (imagine your Fan and bum collide - that’s right). It was a magical day.

After the anticlimax that was Christmas 2012, 2013 was fab. 
I discovered on Xmas eve that I was pregnant with Tait. It was Noah’s first proper Christmas too as he could eat by then and was no longer destroying my boobs. The Fanhole had returned to something resembling normal so I could sit down like a normal person and enjoy my Xmas dinner. Lush! 



Christmas 2014 was exhausting. Noah wouldn’t sleep in his bed and I had Tait to feed through the night so that one was a bit of a blur.

But nothing would ever prepare me for Christmas 2015. 
Nor will another ever be this emotional, traumatic, challenging or inexplicably sad.

You see our daughter was born 15 days before Christmas.
Our daughter died 6 days before Christmas.
Noah turned two, 5 days before Christmas.
I began gruelling chemotherapy treatment 3 days before Christmas.
I discovered my Cancer had spread 2 days before Christmas.
And we spent the so-say happiest day of the year without one of our children at Christmas. 
We then buried our daughter 5 days after Christmas.

Yeah, Christmas 2015 was a bit Shit.

When Ally died I asked my mum to go to our house and remove all the cards, balloons and Christmas presents for her and take them to her house. I couldn’t bare the thought of coming home to a house full of all the well wishes knowing now that they’d turned into a symbol of living hell. 

I remember the drive back from hospital after we’d said goodbye and we drove into Portishead and the Christmas lights were twinkling away like nothing had happened. I was dumbfounded at how everything was the same as the day I’d left to give birth to her. I couldn’t compute that the world was still turning. 

I remember how sick I felt on Christmas morning trying to be so happy and excited for the boys that Santa had come and made their wishes come true and yet inside all I could think was how could I make my wish come true and bring Ally back. 

Well that year was the worst year of my life. Believe me when I tell you that Cancer is a piece of piss comparatively to losing your child.

I wondered how I’d manage to keep going but those two little boys were a stark reminder that I wasn’t going anywhere soon and that I had a job I damn well needed to get on with and that was being a mum! 
Truth be told, the boys saved my life. 

People often ask ‘how do you get over it?’
Well, you don’t. You just learn to live with it running alongside your life. My grief is very much like my cancer. It’s there in some ways and can pop up anywhere at any time. It never goes away but your body and mind learn to manage it. It has to. It’s how we humans survive. 

So now I’ve suitably depressed you. I’ll tell you about Christmas 2017.

Well I’ll tell you, the kids were feral!!!!! Feral!! My house was like fight club meets the Thunderdome from the minute the Christmas tree went up. That tall green asshole was like the 
starting gun for toddler warfare in our house. Noah shoots Tait in the face with a Spider-Man gun, Tait whacks Noah over the head with The Incredible Hulk so Noah picks the stuffing out of the skull of Tait’s dog, Tait chucks Pirate Pete off the top bunk, Noah tells Tait that Santa will pull his pants down and fart on his head instead of filling is stocking so Tait rips a page out of Noah’s favourite book and chews it. Then they both wee on each other in the bath.

Santa turns up to the house for a visit before Christmas ( this was arranged for the boys by a charity called Towards Tomorrow Together) and they both act like angels for an hour. Then they crash on the sofa to watch ‘Stickman’ as all that acting has worn them out.
In truth December was sheer and utter carnage so over the last few weeks people are asking “nice Christmas?” and I say “yeah it was good. The kids were feral. I blame the Christmas tree. Bye”. 



This year though I remembered to have some ‘me time’ and decided to rein-act my youth at the local pub ‘the Plough’ where no ones heard of Malbec and they serve the local battery acid in £2 cans. There’s a DJ ( Nice one Clarkey) and us mums and dads out-danced all the local cool kids by a mile. I stagger home at 3am in the December rain with no shoes or socks on because quite frankly that’s how I roll.









Christmas morning comes and the boys open far too many presents that have been wedged in under and around the Christmas tree. It’s quite frankly ridiculous but no matter how many gifts under that tree it’s so apparent to me that one pile is missing.


Ally would have been two this Christmas and I know that my little girl would have unwrapped a bright pink Barbie...and then whacked it straight across her brothers heads. 

That’s my girl.

Happy new year all.


In 2018.....don’t sweat the small stuff. 

17 comments:

  1. Oh dear. So many thoughts, don't know how to put them all in a couple of sentences. So I just say thank you for taking me along your ride.
    I started reading your blog when my little girl was born in September 2016. She has such a cool personality. Loved that last sentence about Ally how you imagine her whacking her doll across her brothers heads. Girl power!
    I love your honesty, your straightforward language and your openness.
    You are so tough and sensitive and brave.

    Til soon!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love your blog! You are always give me so much positive energy! I love Christmass, I miss them.

    ReplyDelete


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    I was cured of HIV with the used of natural herbs. My name is luci amber and am from US. I love herbs so much. Most times, injection and drugs are just a waste of time. I was cured 8 months ago, i suffered from HIV for 13 yrs but with the help of Dr.Nana herbal medicine, i was cured within few weeks of drinking the herbs he sent to me through courier delivery service. This same doctor also cured my Aunty from herpes, as soon as i heard she had herpes, i quickly refer her to Dr.Nana and she was cured too after drinking his herbs.I have referred more than 15 persons to Dr.Nana and they were all cured from their various illness. Have you taken herbs before?. You have spent so much money on drugs,injections,surgeries etc and yet you have no good result to show for it. Contact Dr. Nana now, he is a herbalist doctor, i assured you of a cure if you drink his natural herbs. Dr.Nana have herbs that cures Hiv, Herpes, diabetics, asthma, hepatitis, HBP, STD, cancer, chronic, etc. Contact Dr Nana through his Email address on: drnanaherbalsolutionhome@gmail.com or WHATSAPP/CALL him on+2347014784614. Please share the good news to other people once you are cured

    ReplyDelete
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  14. I am Miss alisha,From USA. I will start by saying to all that have experience heart break and also cant do with out there lover should please stop here and read up my story, So as you will know how to go solving or getting your ex back from this spell caster..AND AGAIN I WILL WANT TO ALSO TELL ALL THAT THIS SPELL CASTER I WILL WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT IS HARMLESS AND DO NOT HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECT, BUT TO RESTORE AND GIVE YOU BACK WHAT YOU DESERVE, COS WHEN I MEET WITH THIS SPELL CASTER THAT WAS INTRODUCED TO ME BY THE WIFE OF MY BOSS IN MY WORKING PLACE, HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE CAN CAST SPELL ON SO MANY OTHER PROBLEMS EXCEPT IN GETTING YOUR EX OR MAKING YOUR LOVER TO LOVE YOU MORE THAT WILL SUITE YOU. Last year December, My lover was cheating on me and was not also give me the attention that a man should give to a woman,And really that was troubling my mind and tearing my heart apart to the extent that i was not concentrating in the office the way i use to before the break up by my lover.And before that incident,I always see how my boss use to love his wife so much. I was bringing to think that i was not doing the right thing to him that will make him love me forever,So i really gathered my courage and went to my boss wife office to ask her the secret that made her husband love her so dearly,In the first place she refused in telling me,She asked me why i am asking her such a question,That if is it not normal for every man to love his wife.I told her the reason that made me ask her about this question,That my lover started cheating on me lately,When i knelt down before her for her to see my seriousness in this issue that i went to ask her,She opened up to me by telling me that i should not tell anybody about what she want to tell me,The wife to my boss started to say to me that she used a very powerful spell on his husband to love her,And the spell that she used is harmless, But the spell is just to make him love her and never to look for any other woman except her. I QUICKLY ASK HER HOW DID SHE GET TO KNOW THIS GREAT,POWER,DURABLE AND PERFECT WORK SPELL CASTER,she said that a friend of hers also introduce her to him. Then i also ask her how i can meet with this spell caster.SHE SAID EVERYTHING TO ME,THAT THE NAME OF THIS SPELL CASTER IS Dr.AZEN .My next question to her was how can i get this wonderful spell caster,She said she is going to give me the email of the spell caster for me to contact him for my problem,Really she gave to me this spell caster email:[azentemple@gmail.com]or what'sapp +2349038299828. and i contacted him and explained all to him,And after every thing that needed to be done by the spell caster, In the next two days, My lover that hated me so much came to house begging for forgiveness and i was so glad that i have finally gotten my heart desire..I was so grateful to this spell caster for what he has done for my life.. So i made a promise to him that i will always come

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am Miss alisha,From USA. I will start by saying to all that have experience heart break and also cant do with out there lover should please stop here and read up my story, So as you will know how to go solving or getting your ex back from this spell caster..AND AGAIN I WILL WANT TO ALSO TELL ALL THAT THIS SPELL CASTER I WILL WANT TO TELL THE WHOLE WORLD ABOUT IS HARMLESS AND DO NOT HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECT, BUT TO RESTORE AND GIVE YOU BACK WHAT YOU DESERVE, COS WHEN I MEET WITH THIS SPELL CASTER THAT WAS INTRODUCED TO ME BY THE WIFE OF MY BOSS IN MY WORKING PLACE, HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE CAN CAST SPELL ON SO MANY OTHER PROBLEMS EXCEPT IN GETTING YOUR EX OR MAKING YOUR LOVER TO LOVE YOU MORE THAT WILL SUITE YOU. Last year December, My lover was cheating on me and was not also give me the attention that a man should give to a woman,And really that was troubling my mind and tearing my heart apart to the extent that i was not concentrating in the office the way i use to before the break up by my lover.And before that incident,I always see how my boss use to love his wife so much. I was bringing to think that i was not doing the right thing to him that will make him love me forever,So i really gathered my courage and went to my boss wife office to ask her the secret that made her husband love her so dearly,In the first place she refused in telling me,She asked me why i am asking her such a question,That if is it not normal for every man to love his wife.I told her the reason that made me ask her about this question,That my lover started cheating on me lately,When i knelt down before her for her to see my seriousness in this issue that i went to ask her,She opened up to me by telling me that i should not tell anybody about what she want to tell me,The wife to my boss started to say to me that she used a very powerful spell on his husband to love her,And the spell that she used is harmless, But the spell is just to make him love her and never to look for any other woman except her. I QUICKLY ASK HER HOW DID SHE GET TO KNOW THIS GREAT,POWER,DURABLE AND PERFECT WORK SPELL CASTER,she said that a friend of hers also introduce her to him. Then i also ask her how i can meet with this spell caster.SHE SAID EVERYTHING TO ME,THAT THE NAME OF THIS SPELL CASTER IS Dr.AZEN .My next question to her was how can i get this wonderful spell caster,She said she is going to give me the email of the spell caster for me to contact him for my problem,Really she gave to me this spell caster email:[azentemple@gmail.com]or what'sapp +2349038299828. and i contacted him and explained all to him,And after every thing that needed to be done by the spell caster, In the next two days, My lover that hated me so much came to house begging for forgiveness and i was so glad that i have finally gotten my heart desire..I was so grateful to this spell caster for what he has done for my life.. So i made a promise to him that i will always come

    ReplyDelete
  16. My name is Gloria from Senegal, I came in here to confirm Hepatitis B. testimony that I red online some months ago. I red about how Dr. Iyabiye cured one Mr. Henry and I decided to give it a try to see if my sister could be healed or cured too, behold doctor Iyabiye is indeed a sent to help people out of this miserable disease. My sister was dying of hepatitis b her stomach was swollen and complained of pains and weaknesses in her body, I came across iyabiye’s contact online while checking about hepatitis. My sister got cured after she applied his medication for a month. I am here to thank Dr. Iyabiye and to encourage people to reach him for help through: iyabiyehealinghome@gmail.com Call/Whatsapp: +2348072229413

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  17. Hello Everyone, my name is Theresa Walker, I’m married for 20 years with my husband and we have two son. Elder one 16 and younger is 11 years. My husband loved me lot but he involved in affair with 32 years old woman which is her coworker. I never imagined it but somehow his attitude towards me and children, his late coming from office made me think over the matter and 15 days before he confessed that yes he involve and they have had sex too. He brought her in my bed when I was out for office. Even on my 20th anniversary on march, I keep myself away from sex as we do it on the anniversary day, it will be our honeymoon again,he knows that but he did it before the anniversary day on my bed, it means my feelings was totally valueless to him, My mental condition is full of agony, feelings dishonor by him never can ignore the image of their love making. He is basically a good man. I loved him very much but now feeling dishonored by him. I think I can’t forget and recover the pain, sometimes threaten him. Sometimes informing him if he able to leave his family, she will marry him and she want to convince him I’m as a wife not proper for him. I too may be have affair. I should not live with him. In fact she want to win over me as she is divorced, she said she was jealous about our relationship and she wil ruin me by taking my husband. I had to discuss it with a friend that asked me to fibd a good spel caster, first of all i never believed in this Cast spelling but i have to give it a try until when i came across Dr. JOSEPH UGO email on the internet about how he has helped so many people get their ex back and help fix the relationship and make people happy in their relationship, I explained my situation to him and he helped me out within 7 days, Am happy today that he helped me and i can proudly say that my husband is now with me again and he is now in love with me like never before. Are you in need of any help in your relationship like getting back your man, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, winning of lotteries, herbal cure for sickness or job promotion, Viewers reading my post that needs any help regarding any life challenges should contact him.

    CONTACT -Email: doctorjosephugo@gmail.com
    WhatsApp: 34631686040

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