Tuesday, 4 April 2017

How to cure Cancer - The Diary


When entering Cancer Land you become aware that actually it's nothing to worry about as everyone around you has 'The Cure'. Isn't that brilliant!!! It's an easy problem to fix!! You just phone work and say 'I can't come in today as I'm coming down with some cancer but you know, a little veg and some magic and I'll be back in. Sorry for the inconvenience. Can you ask Bob in marketing to run the tea club in my absence? Ta'
Then you implement all the cures you've been given and you'll be right as rain. A little duvet day and bobs your uncle! 
Here's how I do it:

6am - Wake up. Stretch arms above head and drop them down my chest. First thought is 'oh my god one of my tits has fallen off!!! Oh hang on. No it's ok. I remember. I've got Cancer. Phew'

615am - 4 year old Noah - "mummy can I have the iPad?"

630am -  I pray. Please don't let it get me.

645am - Drink. Hot water with a slice of lemon. No caffeine. Caffeine causes Cancer. 

7am - 2 year old Tait (from his bed)  - "mummy GET ME OUT!!!" 
In I walk...
Tait - no i wanted daddy
Me - Daddy's at work
Him - Nanny then
Me - She's at home
Him - Ok YOU get me out.
Me - Do you need a wee or a poo?
Him - No
Me - Sit on potty for mummy 
Him- NO
Noah - mummy can I have a million iPad? Can I have it tonight? Oh no mummy look. He's pooh'd on the carpet! 
Tait - Look mummy I pooh'd. Can I have a sweetie? 
Me - Yes in a minute but next time can please you do Mr Pooh on the potty.
Tait - Ok

730 - Coffee time... but you can't drink it. Well you can, it's a bit unclear according to the people with the cures (The curators / Curists?) Drinking caffeine is bad but coffee enemas cure cancer. 

745 - Hit the toilet to expel coffee enema. A morning pooh that smells of Kenco is satisfying and horrifying in equal measure. 

8am - The dairy dance 
Kids - Mum can we have some milk? 
Me - Yes here it is. It looks lovely. 
Kids - You have some mummy? 
Me - I'd love to. I can't have dairy. Dairy is bad. Dairy causes Cancer or can make you more cancery if you already have cancer. 

830am Put the washing on

845am Breakfast. I could murder a bacon sandwich. Bacon causes cancer for fucks sake. But if I've already got it does it bloody matter if I unload 8 rashers into my face? Maybe I'll just burn myself some toast... oh hang on. You can't eat burnt toast. It causes cancer. 
Let's have kale instead 

9am - Mum comes over to look after kids.
Noah - Alright nanny poo poo head. Tait pooh'd on the carpet.
Tait mutters in the background "bloody kids" and I'm thinking...shit! where's he heard that from?
Me - Bye mum. Thanks mum.

10am - Exercise. Exercise is good. 

12pm -  Return horse to field and eat lunch. Plant based only mind! Dandelion root is exceptionally good for curing cancer 



1215 - Get home and have shower. Wash armpits extra well as you can't where deodorant, deodorant is bad. Deodorant causes cancer. 
Hang left tit in non underwired bra. 
Bra already contains worlds largest dinosaur filet to sort of match the gargantuan boob I have left.
A whole new meaning to the words Tit-Head

1230 - Eat a carrot dusted with turmeric.

1300 - Get chemo. Although this may be bad? Could chemo kill me? Some of "The Curators" believe that it's chemo that kills you and also that the extreme diets etc only work if I sack off medical intervention. So am I wrong to have chemo?


Ooooo this is stressful (stress can cause Cancer) so I'll just beat myself up about this while I chew on an apricot Kernel (whatever the fuck that is).


God I could murder some chocolate.... I can't chocolate is bad. It's got sugar in it.

1345 - Pray again 

1400 - Drink green tea. When chemo makes everything you eat and drink taste like soil this is almost bearable. Nothing more satisfying then a cup full of allotment water-butt run-off. 

1430 - Drive home. Think positive thoughts and maybe get in touch with nature.

1500: Cast a spell. I shit you not. Cast a spell 


(Dame Maggie Smith received Chemotherapy for Breast Cancer whilst filming Harry Potter and the deathly hallows. She used drugs. They kicked her ass but she kept going.)

1530: Play trains with the boys. Even if you want to throw up your ring. 
Noah - mummy were you at hospital for your poorly booby again? Can I see your plaster? Smell my feet.

1607 - Stick the kids dinner on....salivating at the thought of eating anything that hasn't been plucked from hedge or soil.
It's ok. Eat some more kale. With grated lemon peel on it to zest it right up. 
Consider wine....forget it. Wine is bad. Alcohol causes Cancer.

1630 - TV distraction time.
Noah - mummy Tait's  just drawn on the wall
Me -  bloody kids! (Ah right....I see where that came from then)
Would you like to watch something on the TV?
Noah and Tait - Peter rabbit Peter Rabbit!!!!!! You watch it with us mummy
Me - Of course 
(On strolls Tommy Brock the angry badger, dragging a brown bag. He shouts at Peter and his friends "nobody touches my sack without my say so" ...quite right badger!!!! And I start laughing.)
Kids - why are you laughing mummy.
Me - he's a funny badger

1700 - The witching hour(s) begin. Food is hurled, whinges are whinged. Protests are held about the chilli I've made and tactics have to be used to get to Tait to eat...


1800 - Juicing time again. Kale, lemon, coconut oil, turmeric. By this time I may as well drink it whilst sat on the toilet...



1830 - Carry both kids up the stairs on my back to the cheer of 'horsey ride'


1900 - Bedtime. Running between two kids bedrooms reading stories and singing nursery rhymes way out of tune. Clean wee off the toilet seat and floor. Remind Noah to practice his aim. 
Kiss them goodnight over and over and over again, aware of how grateful I am to still be here with them. Look over at the big black dragon that Noah has in his room that belongs to my daughter Ally. Aware of the pain that never leaves me because I miss her so much and there is nothing I can do to heal that pain. 

1930 - Relax. Slob down in the lounge. Put the bacon on, burn the toast, break out the wine and line up the chocolate telling myself I'll start afresh tomorrow.  

Smile....because I am alive. 

16 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. HOW I WAS CURE WITH MY CANCER BY DR. TRUST: VIEW HIS WEB SITE AND CONTACT HIM FOR YOUR OWN CURE https://ultimatecurecenter.wixsite.com/dr-trust

      I am so grateful to Dr.Trust for providing me with herbal oil here in the states. I was diagnose with cancer of the lungs 9 months ago, and ever since then i have done a lot of Chemo and Radiation that have not help me, but only damaged my immune system and render me weak and helpless. I came across the Phoenix Tears and i have read about the herbal oil a lot and saw the Post on Dr.Trust could provide herbal Oil without delay,i contacted them via email for the procurement of this oil medication, to my surprise the medication was procured and delivered within 3 working days and i have been on treatment for the past 1 months. i am now here to testify that i am no longer a cancer patient, I have experience a total transformation in my life,for all cancer patients get your herbal oil to cure your cancer. And there has being rapid improvement in my health, I no longer feel pains and I wake up each morning feeling revived, energized and rejuvenated. If you need cure to any type of illness and also who has also been scammed by other fake spell casters, worry no more, here is the ultimate solution to your problem, contact him now he can help you cure your cancer or any other illness you may have.

      EMAIL HIM: Ultimatecurecenter@yahoo.com
      WEBSITE: https://ultimatecurecenter.wixsite.com/dr-trust
      CALL OR WHATAPP: +2348156885231

      Delete
  2. Wonderful illustrations, and amazeballs positivity x

    ReplyDelete
  3. So well written as always! Enjoy your bacon, chocolate and wine and sod the kale!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm spitting out my wine reading this I'm laughing so much. I too have heard most of these well meaning cures. Now pass the chocolate please!

    ReplyDelete
  5. if nobody had mention it to you, i will. take marihuana oils. or heidi, better even just smoke it,or both together... joke aside, the oil is supose to be really great. relaxes you, takes the pains away, and if nothing else a try wont kill you.......i am zoe s friend. lots of love ,to you, and all the luck for you ...always reading you, love your writting style a lot.love marietta xxoo

    ReplyDelete
  6. U go girl ur attitude is just the best ever. Say it how it is and dont give a monkies rat a#@e!!!!����. You are a true inspiration i think ur wonderful good on u. Keep smiling and fighting ��xx

    ReplyDelete
  7. My name is Daisuke Ikuta,a journalist for a Japanese newspaper "Asahi Shimbun" covering medical issues.I stay in London until 11th April. Could I interview you about "Keep Kadsyla"?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Use nail polish to paint a target in the toilet bowl. Helps with aim.

    Thanks for writing!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hola guerrera! Vi tu historia en discovery, te recomiendo investigar sobre la terapia de guerson, en verdad espero te sirva de ayuda. Dios te bendiga

    ReplyDelete
  10. With everything you have lived and written you can write a book and I will surely buy it

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dear Heidi, I want to contribute to your list of cures �� I'm reading a book by prof. Valter Longo,the creator of the Fast Mimicking Diet, that supposedly puts your cells in a state of alert that protects them while having chemo... If you haven't heard about it or even tried it, please please see if it can help. I wish you and your beautiful family all the best ��

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am so grateful to the great Dr. Ikhine for curing my herpes disease,for 7 years ago i was having this infection that made me look so horrible, since i have been having this disease i have been in a complete agony weeping everyday, i have gone to several places trying to get a cure but nothing was change, i had to search for solution in the internet, luckily i came across this testimony of how Dr. Ikhine cured a lady from this terrible affection so i decided to contact him through his email address:agbadado@gmail.com, i told him exactly how i was feeling and he assure me that he will help me to get cured from my disease, i believed him and obeyed all his instruction that he gave to me, afterwards he prepare a cure for me and when i received it and started using it just as he has promised me, i was cured totally within 2 weeks of usage. contact him at his email;agbadado@gmail.com or call +2348074089085 or WhatsApp +2348056932230 for quick response...

    ReplyDelete
  13. HOW I WAS CURE WITH MY CANCER BY DR. TRUST: VIEW HIS WEB SITE AND CONTACT HIM FOR YOUR OWN CURE https://ultimatecurecenter.wixsite.com/dr-trust

    I am so grateful to Dr.Trust for providing me with herbal oil here in the states. I was diagnose with cancer of the lungs 9 months ago, and ever since then i have done a lot of Chemo and Radiation that have not help me, but only damaged my immune system and render me weak and helpless. I came across the Phoenix Tears and i have read about the herbal oil a lot and saw the Post on Dr.Trust could provide herbal Oil without delay,i contacted them via email for the procurement of this oil medication, to my surprise the medication was procured and delivered within 3 working days and i have been on treatment for the past 1 months. i am now here to testify that i am no longer a cancer patient, I have experience a total transformation in my life,for all cancer patients get your herbal oil to cure your cancer. And there has being rapid improvement in my health, I no longer feel pains and I wake up each morning feeling revived, energized and rejuvenated. If you need cure to any type of illness and also who has also been scammed by other fake spell casters, worry no more, here is the ultimate solution to your problem, contact him now he can help you cure your cancer or any other illness you may have.

    EMAIL HIM: Ultimatecurecenter@yahoo.com
    WEBSITE: https://ultimatecurecenter.wixsite.com/dr-trust
    CALL OR WHATAPP: +2348156885231

    ReplyDelete
  14. As a fellow BC patient, I won't tell you about all the "cancer cures" I've researched and done my head in about because I know what that does to ones mind and I'm sure, like me you've googled and read just about all of them. Either way, people will still tell you what they believe works (aka what you should be doing. ((Eye roll)) )weather you want to hear it or not. I am 33 was misdiagnosed as mastitis(and I have never been pregnant but that means nothing as mastitis just means infection of the mammary area) first time around but after nearly a year and lots of demanding I was finally diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast cancer stage 3 and am now half way through chemo, had operation first so I could save some eggs at the same time and will have radiation after 6months of chemo. I went through the "omg I cant eat anything as it ALL causes cancer" but after getting sick (lost weight rapidly from not eating basically anything), upset and stressed about it I went F&$@ IT", I need to be happy and after all I've know people who have lived their entire lives eating vegan or all the right stuff and still got cancer or had an accident and passed so why should I spend the rest of my life on whims of others that may not work meanwhile driving myself and everyone around me crazy. I've chosen little changes that I believe are relevant to me and my health to change instead but nothing drastic. Your journey has been helpful and I wish you and your family all the best. Thank you for sharing from me and I'm sure a heap of other BC soldiers who can defiantly resonate with just about everything you say (thumbs up and smiley face). All the best from Nicole in Australia.

    ReplyDelete